Some days just feel hard- update

And some weeks or months or maybe just some seasons feel harder then others. I feel in a funk and I am not sure how to get out of it. I feel as though I am in a constant state of agitation. My kids fight, my house gets messy, these are not new things but I don't feel like I am handling Motherhood the way I always envisioned I would. I have moments of greatness so to speak. The times I just feel like I handled a contentious situation just right or we have an amazing discussion. Or even we simply enjoyed just playing together.

But right now I feel like those moments are not often enough. When the kids are all home we have homework, then basketball or music, then mutual and more Basketball. Dinner together then family clean up time. Prayers and the bed time routine. I feel "on" all the time. I find myself sitting at the table, my body is there but my mind is in denial of all I have to do and be and I just can't handle the pressure. There is no real vacation for this kind of job. When I am away from them I worry about them. I ponder on how I can be better. Yet I constantly fall short. Is that just part of motherhood? Will I ever feel like I've got this thing down?

How do I get out of my mind long enough to enjoy my kids and my life more fully? Maybe it is the simple truth that I am in charge of 6 children 24-7. Worrying about them growing older. Wondering how they will turn out. How long will they hate me for? How do I deal with pre-teenagers and then real teenagers? I already get back talk and attitude from Jared and Sarah. How am I supposed to handle it as they get older?

Sarah made some comment today to me how I have 6 kids so I should have it all figured out by now but sometimes I feel more clueless then I did with one. At least then I don't think I had a clue of all that I could do wrong.

Wow this post sounds so depressing. I guess I just need to figure some things out. I do have hope that I will. Sometimes I just wish I didn't have to do so much learning and growing. I wish I could just be the person I want to be.

-----------------------Update-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After I wrote this post I went here and read this article. I then felt the quiet whisperings of my Father above. During church today I was reminded of something the youth had been asked to do, but I had yet to experience. They were admonished to pray vocally on their knees for 30 minutes. If ever I needed this experience it was now. I could feel my Father nudge me forward and so I locked my self in the closet and turned out the lights. What then inspired was a tender moment for me I shall not soon forget. I felt a deep connection to my Father and to my Savior. I felt the need for them and the peace that came from letting them in. I poured my whole soul out and in return allowed space for peace. Unexpected answers came and I feel like they have been coming all day.

Basically, it's ok to fail and it's ok to try again. It's OK for me to redefine what the best kind of a mother is for me and for my children. I now see how much I need my Savior in this journey of motherhood as I can not do it on my own. Why do I forget this? And what can I do to remember it more fully besides tattooing it on my brain? The answer was so simple I had forgotten it. Conversing daily, truly discussing my family and my life with my Eternal Father. Seeking his advice and guidance and then going to the scriptures to hear his answers.

How glorious is the light of a brand new day with new insight and new direction.

Art Gallery Party

I had so much fun planning Emma's party. I think I like planning parties almost as much as my children like having them. All the ideas for this party came straight from onecharmingparty.com
She has a plan you just print out and go do. Much less stress and this party was very inexpensive. All the girls seemed to have a great time. I also realized how much more fun it is to have a party for older girls. They could do the crafts without help. I didn't worry about them painting the walls. The mostly just wanted to play with each other. They listened to what I was telling them. And they were all so grateful when everything was said and done.

I have uploaded so many pictures that I think I am going to leave them in the random order they came.

This is the table they first came to. They signed their names to the featured artist list and then drew a self portrait for Emma to keep to remember her friends by.

Before the guests arrived EmmaLee and her friend Jordyn decorated the table with sticker then during the party the girls made this paper chain.

While opening presents Emma was so excited she was being super silly and making the funniest faces.




The cake and I had a little of a love hate relationship. I first covered it in fondant and it looked so great. Then by the morning the fondant got a big air bubble in it I couldn't fix. Pulling off the fondant caused it to go crooked and I finally gave up and said good enough. Last minute I made some tie dye circles for the candles. The girls all thought it was great once I cut into it.

Here is one of the three art projects. They made birds out of feathers and air drying clay.
Snacks consisted of tye dye rolls, cheese, grapes, rainbow gold fishes, and rainbow cookies.
I made these simple "smocks" for each of the girls out of cheap mens t-shirts. I added the little yo-yo's and tied them with rainbow ribbon. One of the girls even slept in hers that night.

Their second art project was to paint a water color painting. I think they did a pretty good job.

Here they are as they came in.


Getting ready for the guests.


I have wanted a reason to make a lollipop tree ever since I first saw them. Super easy and so cute.

This is the bird craft table
Water color painting table.
the tye dye candle spots.
The girls were so much fun. I also realized that all 8-9 year old girls have messy hair and it is not just my daughter. I think they play to hard to have their hair stay pretty.

My baby girl is 9

Why is it so strange for this mother when her little people get older? Its a mix of emotions both sad and happy both proud and scared. She is such a wonderful person who I love to be around. Each year she gets more wonderful and each year I worry for her. She is so sweet and innocent. So smart and talented. She has made me several pictures in the past few days and I love them all. I sure do love EmmaLee!

We started out the day by going and getting Emma cinnamon rolls per her request. We then opened her presents and hung out around the house together. She is such a smiley happy girl and always the peacemaker. We love hanging around together. Then she went with her Grandma and Grandpa to eat lunch and pick out a present for her. I love this tradition they have started and the kids all look forward to special one on one time with them. She stayed there and played for awhile.
She finally came home and we made her favorite for dinner. White pasta with chicken. Then of course we made her a cake. I wasn't planning on doing anything fancy but then Sarah had this idea to make an artists palette since Emma loves art so much. Emma helped me with the paint brush. Fondant really is fun to play with and it really does add a nice touch.

Then yesterday Lauren came and took her out to dinner to the love boat. Emma loves sushi like Jared, Ryan, and I do. She loves Lauren and really enjoys the time they spend together. Lauren came over and played hide and go seek in the dark with all the kids and they all think she is the best!

Junior high

My son is starting Junior high tomorrow. Technically he has been going to Junior high already. He has been attending a charter school where he only goes to school a few hours 2 times a week. He sits in the same class we the same kids. He has not been in public school since second grade and I worry. Junior high holds some very deep memories for me. The time I got one of the leads in the musical and I could not have been more excited. The graduation party my friends threw and I felt so cool. Shopping at the mall with friends and calling boys on the phone. My first dance.

So why do I feel so nervous? For all the other deep memories. Trying to find the right friends. Not doing homework and getting into trouble. Kids being mean to not really me but other kids. The silent treatment from girls you thought were your friends. Lies. Feeling very uncool.

Jared is a very confident kid. He is comfortable with who he is and I admire that in him. He has friends at the school already and I do believe it will be good for him. He is so excited and for that I am thrilled. The momma bear in me wants to protect him from the harshness of the world but that same momma understands he also needs to experience it. Being a mother is hard. Harder then I thought it would be and it keeps being hard for different reasons.

Thanksgiving day.

Thanksgiving food for me is not something as a vegan I get very excited about. In fact I am usually a little to hungry by the end of the day. Food in general is somewhat of a sore spot for me and kind of a love hate relationship.

But this year I decided to make a bunch of dishes I was excited about and that were totally vegan. I made vegan stuffing, (plus a non-vegan sausage and apple stuffing for everyone else) vegan green bean casserole with the yummiest mushrooms, asparagus and bell peppers, and glazed carrots. My MIL made homemade rolls with no butter just for me and my SIL made a batch of potatoes just for me. I was so thrilled. It really felt like a Thanksgiving feast and I felt grateful for food.






We spent the day at my MIL's and we all had such a good time visiting. Cousins are the best!

Joseph and Ethan spent a good amount of time wrestling on the trampoline. They were very kind to eachother even though they were wrestling. It was hilarious to watch.
After pi we enjoyed watching Tangled together. It was cute and it made me laugh. That's all. Then it was time to tuck the tuckered little people into bed so that I could head out to door for some crazy Toys-R-Us shopping. I am not a Black friday shopper usually but my friend invited me and the store opened at 10 not 2 or 4 in the morning. I figured if I was going to try it that was a time frame I could work with. We got in line at 8. About 150 people were in front of us and it really wasn't to crazy yet.

But as we waited the 2 hours things got crazy. The line was wrapped around the building and I could not even begin to guess how many people were there. As it was almost opening time people started to cut in lone which made others made. Workers are not paid enough to really do anything about it. They let 50 people in at a time every 15-20 minutes until they reach 600 people. Seriously? 600 people in one store is crazy. At one point I was stuck in the back of the store with my cart because there was a bad traffic jam. Some people are mean and grouchy others are just dumb. I rushed to find all that I needed then headed to the line which only took about an hour. Right after I got in line it grow 4x behind me. I guess we all finished about the same time. It really was kinda fun and you do get a little bit of a rush. I got home about midnight and I don't think I ever need to do anything like that again.

I am thankful for new experiences!

The Perfect Mother continued

Happy Halloween! My kids did their very own pumpkins this year. With my inability to help they went to it with a little help from the Man.

I love parties. I love to plan them and throw them. I love to think of cute food items and clever crafts/games. My mom always had cute themes and I know I learned this love from her. With Halloween coming and being on a Sunday I had decided it would be the best time to have fun planning a family party. I got tons of ideas and I was all set to go. I delegated out food assignments, I had my stations all planned out, and I was feeling so excited to see it all come together.

Well...here comes the part where I learn the lesson again to let go of perfection. (Perfection in my mind is having a well laid plan and executing it perfectly. I recognize this has never happened and I see my need of letting this false ideal go.) I am not recovering from my appendectomy like I would hope. I feel worn out and I feel nausea. It has been a little over a week since I came home and I am ready to feel tip top. But I don't. I recognized last week that I would not be able to do what I wanted in regards to my little party and I conceded. I asked for help and my family has all stepped up to help me. They are great like that.

I left myself the job of making dessert and decorating the juice bottles to look like mummies. I tried last night to do the mummy juices. They turned out so cute, all 4 of the 19 I made. I just could not sit the way I needed to to get it done. Oh well. I actually let it go and didn't get discouraged. This is big for me.

Then this morning I set about to tell my children how to make the vision I had for the desserts. But we are out of eggs. My husband ate them for breakfast. At first I started to fell my old perfectionist self come out. The one that gets a little tense and frustrated that things are not going according to plan. My husband nicely reminded me it didn't really matter. I always know he is right but it often takes me time to admit it. I called a friend to borrow eggs. She has half what I need which is great. I use powdered eggs for the other part.

The cake doesn't cook right and I don't care. It doesn't look how I envisioned and I still love it. The kids did most of the work while I supervised and I know they are proud of their work. And I am proud of me. I stayed calm and enjoyed the imperfect process. Maybe I can get used to imperfection after all. It is much more fun.

My house is not as clean as I would like it but all I can do is sit here and stare at it. Will anyone have a less enjoyable time because I have dust bunnies, clutter, partial mummy juices, or my cake isn't perfect? Of course not. Just typing that is freeing!

*********UPDATE**************
After I wrote that all out I looked over at my 4 mummies and realized that I also will have 4 Activity stations. I then hopped over (wish I could really hope right now) to onecharmingparty
and print out her little Halloween cats and used them as station markers. and they look super cute.
In case you are wondering my four stations are:
1.Pumpkins made out of toliet paper rolls, and tissue paper.

2.Owl cupcakes

3.Leis for the soldiers. I just love this idea. My SIL Amy asked if she could have the kids do this. They take all of their unwanted candy and donate it to the pile. We then make candy leis with plastic wrap and curling ribbon. We will then as a family go to meet the soldiers who have no one to meet them when they come home from active duty and give them the leis. The kids will then get to feel more gratitude for these men who give so much for our freedom.

4. Gratitude Chain. The kids will each write or draw a picture of something they are grateful for then we will tape it all together place the chain in my kids craft room/homework room and we will add to it through out the whole month. That way will focus more on what we have instead all we want with xmas coming around.

A craft, a service project, a dessert, and an uplifting thought. That is what every party needs right?

Halloween

The kids had a good time tonight at the church trunk-or-treat. Since Halloween is going to fall on a Sunday we decided to only do this instead. I sat in the car passing out candy and it was cute seeing all the little and not so little kids. We brought Betty and she seemed to have a good time as well. It was nice to be apart of things even when I am still not fully recovered.

The Perfect Mother

I read this blog post http://71toes.blogspot.com/2010/10/myth-of-perfect-mother.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+71toesrss+%2871+toes+RSS%29
today while laying in bed feeling tired and frustrated that I am yet to recover from surgery. I have missed being the everyday mother. I feel as though I am learning how not to expect perfection from myself. I have felt greater peace as I have learned on a deeper level that no, I can't make everyone happy all of the time, including myself.
I have come up with a quick little mantra to help when I notice I have become frustrated with my lack of perfection. It is amazing how understanding my purpose can give me such peace of mind.

I am not perfect. That is not my purpose here.
I will trip and fall then learn and rely.
My savior is the only way
No matter what else I might try.

Winding down the summer with one last adventure.

After getting our dog Betty it became a challenge to know how to take the kids on vacation. Then with sicknesses, a broken leg, and more sickness our summer was a little less then what we were expecting. Life has been a little stressful the last couple of weeks and I just really needed my family.

So I have this great idea to take the family to go visit my sister and my parents in Vegas. Saturday, after swimming in the pool with cousins, we get in my car and it is dead. We jump it and yay, it works. By the time we get to my parents house Ryan has me leave it on while he takes a look at it and it dies on him. Hmmm

Our plan was to come home first thing Monday morning to avoid labor day traffic. But that is kinda hard with a dead car. All the shops are closed till Tuesday because of the holiday. Everyone needs a little vacation, right?

I love my excursion. We named it hippo when we first got it because it is so huge and it weighs the same as a hippo. It is comfortable and we have a good relationship. So good it has 158,000 miles on it. I have always believed you drive cars till they are either un-drivable or more expensive to fix then they are worth.

And I am sad to say we are now ready to part ways. I will miss my huge boat. I will miss all of it's extra space. I will even miss the dings I have given it. The ones I was upset about at the time but I know laugh at and have great memories about.

But with this departure will come a new adventure. A much smaller cuter one. Used but not to used. Loved but not to much. It is a Honda, it is black, and I can already tell we will get along just splendidly. (don't you just love that word?)

I'm sitting in the dealership waiting for it to be spruced up as I type away on my phone (by the way, how cool is technology that I can now blog from my phone)

I'll post a picture when we get back.

2nd Day of School

> Today after dropping the kids off at school Joshua was rather upset. He was sad to see them go and sad they would not be playing with him. I asked him if he wanted to go to the movies with me and he said no. All he wanted to do was go shopping to a new store. He told me this with a sad depressed sounding voice. Then he decided all he really wanted to do was go get ice cream. Silly kid.

This was a very indulgent Vacation

Why do I say that? Because I hardly did anything productive the whole 5 days we were there. I slept, read, swam, ate, shopped, read, swam, ate..... It was great. I never do anything like that and I completely enjoyed myself. By the end I was very ready to come home and I very much missed my children.

Ryan had to work most the time we were in Vegas but at night and a few odd times here and there we got to spend some much needed time together. I love this man and getting to have so much undisturbed by little people time was wonderful.

Here is my view from the pool. The weather was really nice for laying out by the pool but maybe a little to hot otherwise.
One Thursday night they had a business dinner for their VIP clients. Here are the winners of the raffle. The best prize was an ipad. Ryan had me pull the tickets and you could feel the disappointment from those who won things like a snuggie. It made me kind of smile since they did win something.
Here we are for the few minutes we actually got to be together. All the members wanted to talk to him. He kind of seemed like a celebrity.Ryan gettin his groove thing on as we head out to dinner and a late night movie. We decided to go see inception. Which I j=had not heard anything about. It was so good I kinda want to see it again.

The hotel bad was actually really comfortable. I thought I would sleep in but I was to excited each day that I ended up getting up fairly early. I didn't want to waste my free time sleeping.

Wednesday a group of there clients went to go see the mentalist. He was pretty good and intriguing. I would love to now he did his tricks.
Tuesday night Ryan took me to go see The Phantom of the Opera. The opera house was really cool with the manicans in the side seats and the chandelier was interesting. I really do love seeing a good show. We enjoyed ourselves and afterward we enjoyed a wonderful dinner in the Paris Hotel (that is where we were staying)
And this picture is just because my husband is so darn good looking. I love this man more then I could express. And I so love this look of his. It says, "I am happy and content with life."

This picture makes me laugh. I did not realize there was a huge stripper bar behind us. One that even had a giant statue. Ryan took a self portrait of us and I asked him to make sure he got the background. When I looked at the picture I realized what the background was. This is us trying to take a do over without laughing.
I also got to spend Thursday with my sister. She is writing a book and we went over it together. What she has to offer will be so valuable for women out there. I am excited for her to get it on the shelves.