Some days just feel hard- update

And some weeks or months or maybe just some seasons feel harder then others. I feel in a funk and I am not sure how to get out of it. I feel as though I am in a constant state of agitation. My kids fight, my house gets messy, these are not new things but I don't feel like I am handling Motherhood the way I always envisioned I would. I have moments of greatness so to speak. The times I just feel like I handled a contentious situation just right or we have an amazing discussion. Or even we simply enjoyed just playing together.

But right now I feel like those moments are not often enough. When the kids are all home we have homework, then basketball or music, then mutual and more Basketball. Dinner together then family clean up time. Prayers and the bed time routine. I feel "on" all the time. I find myself sitting at the table, my body is there but my mind is in denial of all I have to do and be and I just can't handle the pressure. There is no real vacation for this kind of job. When I am away from them I worry about them. I ponder on how I can be better. Yet I constantly fall short. Is that just part of motherhood? Will I ever feel like I've got this thing down?

How do I get out of my mind long enough to enjoy my kids and my life more fully? Maybe it is the simple truth that I am in charge of 6 children 24-7. Worrying about them growing older. Wondering how they will turn out. How long will they hate me for? How do I deal with pre-teenagers and then real teenagers? I already get back talk and attitude from Jared and Sarah. How am I supposed to handle it as they get older?

Sarah made some comment today to me how I have 6 kids so I should have it all figured out by now but sometimes I feel more clueless then I did with one. At least then I don't think I had a clue of all that I could do wrong.

Wow this post sounds so depressing. I guess I just need to figure some things out. I do have hope that I will. Sometimes I just wish I didn't have to do so much learning and growing. I wish I could just be the person I want to be.

-----------------------Update-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After I wrote this post I went here and read this article. I then felt the quiet whisperings of my Father above. During church today I was reminded of something the youth had been asked to do, but I had yet to experience. They were admonished to pray vocally on their knees for 30 minutes. If ever I needed this experience it was now. I could feel my Father nudge me forward and so I locked my self in the closet and turned out the lights. What then inspired was a tender moment for me I shall not soon forget. I felt a deep connection to my Father and to my Savior. I felt the need for them and the peace that came from letting them in. I poured my whole soul out and in return allowed space for peace. Unexpected answers came and I feel like they have been coming all day.

Basically, it's ok to fail and it's ok to try again. It's OK for me to redefine what the best kind of a mother is for me and for my children. I now see how much I need my Savior in this journey of motherhood as I can not do it on my own. Why do I forget this? And what can I do to remember it more fully besides tattooing it on my brain? The answer was so simple I had forgotten it. Conversing daily, truly discussing my family and my life with my Eternal Father. Seeking his advice and guidance and then going to the scriptures to hear his answers.

How glorious is the light of a brand new day with new insight and new direction.