And some weeks or months or maybe just some seasons feel harder then others. I feel in a funk and I am not sure how to get out of it. I feel as though I am in a constant state of agitation. My kids fight, my house gets messy, these are not new things but I don't feel like I am handling Motherhood the way I always envisioned I would. I have moments of greatness so to speak. The times I just feel like I handled a contentious situation just right or we have an amazing discussion. Or even we simply enjoyed just playing together.
But right now I feel like those moments are not often enough. When the kids are all home we have homework, then basketball or music, then mutual and more Basketball. Dinner together then family clean up time. Prayers and the bed time routine. I feel "on" all the time. I find myself sitting at the table, my body is there but my mind is in denial of all I have to do and be and I just can't handle the pressure. There is no real vacation for this kind of job. When I am away from them I worry about them. I ponder on how I can be better. Yet I constantly fall short. Is that just part of motherhood? Will I ever feel like I've got this thing down?
How do I get out of my mind long enough to enjoy my kids and my life more fully? Maybe it is the simple truth that I am in charge of 6 children 24-7. Worrying about them growing older. Wondering how they will turn out. How long will they hate me for? How do I deal with pre-teenagers and then real teenagers? I already get back talk and attitude from Jared and Sarah. How am I supposed to handle it as they get older?
Sarah made some comment today to me how I have 6 kids so I should have it all figured out by now but sometimes I feel more clueless then I did with one. At least then I don't think I had a clue of all that I could do wrong.
Wow this post sounds so depressing. I guess I just need to figure some things out. I do have hope that I will. Sometimes I just wish I didn't have to do so much learning and growing. I wish I could just be the person I want to be.
-----------------------Update-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After I wrote this post I went here and read this article. I then felt the quiet whisperings of my Father above. During church today I was reminded of something the youth had been asked to do, but I had yet to experience. They were admonished to pray vocally on their knees for 30 minutes. If ever I needed this experience it was now. I could feel my Father nudge me forward and so I locked my self in the closet and turned out the lights. What then inspired was a tender moment for me I shall not soon forget. I felt a deep connection to my Father and to my Savior. I felt the need for them and the peace that came from letting them in. I poured my whole soul out and in return allowed space for peace. Unexpected answers came and I feel like they have been coming all day.
Basically, it's ok to fail and it's ok to try again. It's OK for me to redefine what the best kind of a mother is for me and for my children. I now see how much I need my Savior in this journey of motherhood as I can not do it on my own. Why do I forget this? And what can I do to remember it more fully besides tattooing it on my brain? The answer was so simple I had forgotten it. Conversing daily, truly discussing my family and my life with my Eternal Father. Seeking his advice and guidance and then going to the scriptures to hear his answers.
How glorious is the light of a brand new day with new insight and new direction.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
I'm sorry things are overwhelming at times. You are doing better than you give yourself credit for. It goes without saying, (why is that even a phrase??) I think you are amazing. I can't do what you do. I respect your work and how well you do it. If things seem to be stretching you now, that's got to mean it will be getting easier soon!
I love you!!!
Listen to Ryan! We all feel that way.. I'm impressed it has taken you 6 kids to feel this way.. .Most days I feel like I am falling short. I finally decided that my 100% for the day was based on the day not days in the past. Once I started comparing how well I was doing to times in the past, it just made me feel worse and worse about how I was doing as a parent. Teenagers are like adult versions of 3 year olds :)
You truly are an amazing woman! Your compassion for your children and constant worry about what is right for them just proves how great of a mom you really are!
your on the same wave length as I have been on since Thanksgiving break. Thank goodness for a husband who constantly reminds us that we are doing good and that we don't give ourselves enough credit!
Only the best of the best moms have hard days! I think any mom could write this same post:) You are right..it is a great blessing that we always get a fresh start and a new day...Thanks for the reminder of that!
I always wonder why when we have the best right in front of us we let ourselves feel so down - I had visions of how my children would be and how I would teach them and just love them and give them a home with two parents that loved each other - my children had other visions - I am better for it I am stronger and I have come to learn being on my knees I am taller and stronger - you are amazing I just love you and am so happy that Ryan has you to lean on and hrlp raise his sweet family - I love that we get to start each day again - and if one day is hard or bad we get a brand new day to make things better! I wish I was closer so I could share with all your wonderful parties and schooling and hard work you do - I know this is long but I just wanted to tell you how awesome you are!!!!
Post a Comment